Just Add Cooking Chamber
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: In canon, Equius installs a pelvic magnetron into Tavros' robotic crotch. It malfunctions, but even a malfunctioning magnetron has its uses...


A/N: For a prompt on the kink meme. A bonus/alternate fill for the same prompt can be found on AO3. It was written in 2nd person, so will not be posted on FF.

* * *

"The problem lies with the pelvic magnetron."

"What exactly is, a magnetron?" Tavros asked Equius. "And what does it have to do with, uh, my legs malfunctioning?" He was half-laying on the operating table, propped up on his elbows to observe the goings-on going on in his powered-down robotic crotch.

Equius frowned as he looked into the open pelvic cavity of his latest prosthetic. He had one hand on his chin while the other tapped a wrench against his STRONG thigh as he contemplated possible fixes. He didn't want to mess with the settings until he was sure a small adjustment wouldn't put the entire system on the fritz.

The operation would go much smoother if he were in the robotics lab of his hive. Alas, it was not to be. Scavenging for parts on the meteor was easy enough, but many were defective or outdated, which made the construction and care of this creation more difficult than usual.

"A magnetron," he explained, "is a microwave generator." Equius pointed to a cylindrical object within the pelvic cavity.

Tavros dumbly nodded along. "Microwave," he mouthed to himself.

"It is an important component of the radar system I installed so that the prosthesis would auto-adjust footing and stance based on feedback of the surroundings. Its failure is the reason for your significant lack of grace of late."

"So, basically, the robo-legs can't see, what they are getting into. Is that what you mean."

"Yes."

"Then, um, what are you going to do?"

Equius went over his options once more and sighed. "Nothing for now," he said, abandoning the wrench for a screwdriver. He carefully refitted the exo-plating and screwed it back into place. "I shall search for more parts with which to build a better radar. In the meantime, I advise you to steer clear of difficult terrain."

"Stairs are, uh, the enemy."

"Exactly."

* * *

Tavros clanked his way back to the common blocks. If he listened carefully, he could sometimes hear a soft hum coming from the oscillator-something that Equius had mumbled about. The sound was louder with certain motions, specifically when he would thrust his pelvic area forward a bit. Tavros was quite easily amused by any and all discoveries made regarding his shiny new parts.

He was distracted and ended up tripping over a few haphazardly strewn scalemates. The subsequent fall scattered more of the plushies and roused Terezi from her pile.

"Hello there, Mr. Caramel Sauce. What brings you to this neck of the woods?"

"Hi Terezi. I, um, kind of wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"And you expect me to believe that of all the piles you could have fallen into, you dropped down on mine without any ulterior motives? Tsk tsk, Toffee Nut Crunch. I am not so easy to fool."

"Well, do you, maybe want to go to the nutrition block?"

"Oh ho? You may proceed with your case, defendant."

"That was it, actually."

Terezi sniffed at him and frowned.

"I mean, the defendant rests, the case that he made. Which was, would the legislacerator like to have lunch. That was why he approached, uh, her pile."

She leapt to her feet, cackling with glee. "Let's go then!"

Tavros shakily pushed himself back up, and the two of them made their way across the rumpus block accompanied by metallic clanks and soft taps from Terezi's cane.

They came to the nutrition block and noticed that it was home to quite the gathering at this time. They'd designated this place as the nutrition block because there was an alchemiter here which Karkat was currently fiddling with, trying to come up with new edibles.

"Shit! Why the fuck are weapons so much easier to alchemize than sustenance!" He banged the machine once more and it gifted him with a can of tuber paste to join the army of grubloaf tins littered around his feet.

"Give me the codes for the cans and I'll see if I can subtract the can part and hack them together with something fiery. That should create a hot platter of grubloaf and tuber paste," Sollux said.

"Oh fuck you, Tholluckth, that's too much work for too little gain."

Multiple voices chimed in then, each with an opinion as to what foods they should try alchemizing next (even though everything had failed so far besides the grubloaf and tuber paste), what they should do to heat the food, and whether or not it would be useful to build or alchemize a thermal hull.

"Everyone shut your noise flaps! First of all: thermal hull? We can't even figure out how to get fresh produce! What the fuck would we need a thermal hull for at this point in time? Or what, did any of you want to emulate the pan-damaged antics of the Strider humans in using it to store shitty swords?"

Terezi grinned and raised her arm high. "Yes! I vote we should make like the coolkid. Swords in the thermal hull, fireworks in the eating implements washer."

"Bzzt! Denied! Second of all-"

"Puppets in the radiation cooker!"

"Terezi's voting privileges have been revoked. _Second of all_, we're not going to manually input 'fire' into every code, so I agree it would be more efficient to get some kind of heating device. That's for later. For _now_, everyone stuff this down your protein chutes." Karkat punctuated this last declaration by shoving a can of each into Eridan's hands.

"I can't eat this, Kar. I've got a refined palate. Princes simply do not eat their grubloaf cold an' _dry_."

"Uh huh. I take it you're on Team Grubsauce?"

"Go Team Grubsauce!" This was Nepeta.

"I, uh, would also like to sign up, for Team Grubsauce. If that is okay, with the other members."

"See, Karkitty? Tafuros agrees. Grubsauce is the most impurrtant!"

Karkat shot Tavros a glare. "Did you _have_ to, Nitram? Really?" Tavros opened his mouth to respond, but Karkat shut him up. "That was rhetorical, you idiot. Goddamnit. Okay, I know you addle-panned wigglers love your fucking grubsauce - I do too! - but it's no way in a Horrorterror's buttcrack the most important thing right now. So, at risk of sounding like your lusus, sit down, shut up, and eat your grubloaf!"

Karkat slammed can after can into the hands of the gathered trolls, which was pretty much everyone except Equius (still down in his makeshift lab) and Aradia (still dead, and a robot). Soon enough, everyone had one can each of both grubloaf and tuber paste. Nepeta had four cans and bounded off to deliver some to her moirail.

Vriska, when handed her share, looked down at the cans in disgust. "Ugh. Laaaaaaaame. I'm so lucky god tiers don't need to eat. See you later, losers." She chucked the cans over her shoulder and sauntered out, but not before giving Tavros a violent hip-check that caused him to stumble.

Recovering, he gripped his own cans tightly to his chest and looked around to see the remaining trolls settling down in two loose clusters. In one, there was Sollux, Feferi, and Eridan sitting at a shoddily alchemized table made of the little cubes from LOLCAT. Feferi was doting on Sollux, trying to feed him while he blushed and said it should be the other way around. ("No, you!" "No, _you_!") Eridan sat seething beside them, occasionally sniping at Sollux to see if they couldn't have something black. Then he would snipe at Feferi because if they couldn't be moirails or matesprits, maybe _she_ could be black for him. It was a mess. Tavros went to sit by Kanaya instead.

The other group had plopped themselves on the floor a bit farther away. Terezi was trying to lick Karkat who was trying to push her away. Kanaya appeared to be her usual serene self, albeit amused by their antics. Gamzee, ostensibly part of the group, was in fact passed the fuck out. Tavros figured someone, probably Karkat, had dragged him into the nutrition block in an attempt to feed him something that was not pie. It remained to be seen if this attempt would prove successful.

Scattered around the nutrition block were tiny spoons, also from LOLCAT and originally meant for stirring tea; they appeared to be the only utensils currently available. Tavros picked one up and pondered how he was supposed to eat with such a thing.

"Hey, Kanaya," he said, fumbling with his spoon. Terezi licked Karkat in the eye.

"Hello. How was your visit with Equius? Was he able to diagnose the issue?" Somehow, Kanaya managed to make eating straight out of the can with an undersized spoon look elegant. Karkat screamed because his vision was impaired by slobber.

"He'll need some more parts, but it's not too big of a deal. It's the, uh, pelvic magnetron? that's malfunctioning." Tavros attempted to mimic Kanaya's grace, but ended up sinking his fingers into tuber paste. Terezi tried to go for Karkat's other eye.

"I see," she said, daintily breaking the grubloaf into bite-sized pieces. "Or, pardon me, but I actually do not see. That was merely a figure of speech I used to express interest. I do not know what a pelvic magnetron is, but my interest has been suitably piqued." Karkat counterattacked with a high-decibel yell that sent Terezi sprawling backwards and clutching at her ears.

"Oh, it's… Equius explained, but I still don't know. It's, um, a microwave?"

"Hold up, Nitram! Did you say _microwave_?"

"Gasp! Peanut Butter Blast has a microwave in his crotch?"

"Uh. What is, a microwave?"

Gamzee pushed himself up onto his elbows. (Had he actually been awake this whole time?) He grinned and said, "Motherfucking miracles, is what."

* * *

A microwave, so Tavros had been told, was a highblood term for radiation cooker. Equius had installed a radiation cooker where his genitals used to be. Well, not _exactly_, but he had installed the radiation generator of a radiation cooker where Tavros' genitals used to be, and that was pretty much the same thing. All that was needed was the cooking chamber.

They scrounged up a metal box which met Equius' approval, and they attached that metal box to Tavros' crotch. The front panel had to be removed, of course, which made Equius sweat copiously and proclaim it to be the lewdest thing he had ever been commanded to do.

It was the first test run, and they had all gathered in the nutrition block again, even Aradia, who was still dead and a robot. While Aradiabot lent her lifeless stare to the atmosphere, Karkat placed a newly alchemized ground beefgrub patty into the cooking chamber.

The trolls waited with bated breath…

And waited…

And waited…

"Um, how do I cook it?"

Equius' sweat poured from rivets to gouts. "You must… thrust your hips."

"...Oh. That sounds, kind of inappropriate."

"It's sick and depraved is what it is!" Karkat burst out. "But you'd better fucking do it anyway. We didn't waste all that time outfitting you with a radiation cooker for you not to use it."

"This is… extremely lewd. I think I need a towel."

Tavros thrust his hips. He swiveled, he shook. The beefgrub patty slowly browned, then sizzled and let out a most delicious aroma.

"Fuckin' hallelujah angels on high an' all that fakey-fake bullshit," Eridan said. "Finally we are saved from starvation, an' it's by the grace of Tav's metal crotch."


End file.
